Reconciliation over Cancelation
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God. ---- Matt. 5:9
Is peacemaking becoming a dying art?
In a society where the new norm is to delete, unfriend, and unfollow people who don't agree with us on everything, will this help us grow in the direction we want to go? Or will it lead us to be more divided?
Individuals who can handle conflict resolution are always in high demand in the workplace and our communities. Teaching our children to pursue reconciliation over cancelation will be an essential skill for our children if they are going to thrive in life.
It is always more rewarding to resolve a conflict than it is to dissolve a relationship.
This message is opposite to the "cancel culture" our kids are currently being exposed to.
Having awkward conversations is hard for us adults, but it can be even more challenging for our kids. When we teach them the difference between peacemaking and peacekeeping and how to respect others' differences, we are setting them up for the long-term success they will need in life.
A Peacemaker is defined as
"One that makes peace, especially by settling disputes."
The very definition of the word "make" means that action is required for
peace to happen.
Peacekeeping, on the other hand, is when we avoid conflict or appease the other party. It requires no action; it is a form of hiding. And it is the opposite of peacemaking. Peacekeeping says," I don't want to rock the boat." But it will not create or strengthen relationships. It will erode them.
“If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.” ----Nelson Mandela
Step 1 in peacemaking
Before you have the conversation, pray.
Bring God into the conflict, and don't underestimate the power of divine revelation.
" If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." -----James 1:5
Praying in advance not only softens our hearts but also can soften the other person's heart.
"The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will."
God can turn anyone's heart and let you have favor, even with a person who may not be a believer.
While asking for wisdom, we also need to ask God for the
"when," "where" and "how."
When should I talk to the person?
We need to teach kids that,
every moment is not the right moment for a conversation.
Learning to wait for the right moment, for example, after emotions calm down, can change a conversation's outcome.
Where should I talk to the person?
Not every place is the right place to have a conversation.
Many times, kids may try and solve conflict via social media. Too much can be misinterpreted in messaging. Encourage your child to talk
face- to- face with the person.
How should I approach this person, and what do I say?
It's not only what you say but also how you say it that matters. Make sure your child is aware of their tone of voice and attitude when they are speaking. Let them practice with you and teach them how to speak the truth in LOVE.
Teach kids to
Start conversations by asking how the other person is doing.
Do not rush the conversation.
Ask questions and allow the person time to let their walls down.
Seek to find out what is going on under the surface with others. Often a person's behavior is the symptom of deeper issues.
My daughter had a friend she played basketball with. The young lady had always worked hard and got along well with her teammates. Then, suddenly, she became distracted non-compliant with her coach's request. This girl's parents had decided to divorce her pain was affecting her attitude.
When one of my daughters complains to me about a friend's behavior, I ask them if they think something deeper could be going on?
I encourage them to have some one -on -one time together to see if the friend is.
Step 2 in peacemaking:
We argue over our feelings, not our ideas.
Make the first move and begin by asking, "What is my fault?"
Even when we think we are 99% right, it is still our responsibility to find the 1% where we are wrong.
Kids will often say they didn't do anything wrong. However, as parents, we know there are two sides to every story.
We need to stay natural so that our kids can examine their behavior.
I often say, "Even if you were only 1% wrong, what would that 1 % be?"
or I will ask them, "Could you have done something unintentionally to upset them?" Asking this question can take them off the defensive.
Here are some ideas for starting a conversation to create reconciliation.
" If I have hurt you or offended you, please forgive me. "
" I'm sorry for_________________________ "(what ever the 1% is)
" I don't want us to fight. How can we fix this? "
Step 3 in Peacemaking:
Conflict does not happen because of incompatibility but because of inflexibility.
It's important to teach our kids that it is normal to disagree with others and that sometimes we are the ones who need to be flexible in our understanding.
" The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing. " Proverbs 12:18
We don't always have to agree. We should
remind our kids there will be times when resolution may not be possible, but we can still have reconciliation.
The age-old saying that we can agree to disagree is still valid.
Try and give your kids examples. Here are a few of mine:
Your father and I don't always agree, but we still love each other.
You do not have to agree, but you do have to be respectful.
The absence of reconciliation skills will only add to the climbing rate of loneliness among our kids and young adults. They have more ways to connect than any generation before, but they are the loneliest, not because of the absence of ways to connect, but because of the lack of skills to truly connect.
Did this article help you? Do you lack in one or more of these areas?
We can- not teach our kids what we don't know ourselves.
If your goal is to raise kids with the skills to have relationships that thrive, it starts with you.
--The driving force I had in mind when I created the Rapid Relationship Transformation was- I wanted to come alongside women and give them the skills they needed to have more peace in their families. I do this by dismantling unhealthy relationship habits and teaching them more constructive ways to love, listen, and communicate.
You do not need to spend years in therapy and thousands of dollars to have meaningful and healthy relationships. In six weeks, you can take your relationships from barely surviving to thriving.
Won't you consider trying just one 20- minute vent session with me? I would love to show you how one conversation can change your life and your kids' lives.