People-pleasing is a murky subject in many relationships. No matter if it is with our spouse, friends, parents, or children, we must learn to set and maintain good boundaries and stop people-pleasing if we are ever going to build relationships that have intimacy, connection, and growth.
What are boundaries?
In this article, I am defining
it is a person's ability to say “no” and hear “no” without fearing a relationship's loss.
What is people-pleasing?
People-pleasing is when we do or agree to do something we do not want to do, just to please another person.
We say “yes” on the outside, but “no” on the inside.
Many of us lack the courage to say “no” because
we don’t want to disappoint others or
we don’t want them to think we are not team players or we don’t care about them.
However, if we say “yes” and then get mad or resentful and direct those feelings towards others, our connection to them diminishes. In addition, we sacrifice our relationship with ourselves, becoming frustrated with our inability to say “no” and make time to do the things we want.
So why do we do this? And what should we do about it?
Accept
You are not that powerful.
When we think that we do not want to disappoint someone, we fail to realize their disappointment is happening inside them and their thoughts and feelings are causing it.
It is often hard to be around someone, especially someone we love if they direct their anger or disappointment towards us. It's easy to feel responsible for their behavior.
We tell ourselves the whole situation could have been avoided if we had just said “yes.”
However, this is not the case. You are not that powerful.
People will act however they want to. We do not have the power to control other people or their behavior.
Suppose you believe you are avoiding arguments by committing to do things you do not want to do. In that case, you are avoiding the uncomfortable feeling you are generating when someone else is behaving like an emotional child.
If you find yourself in this scenario, it is time that you begin to tell the truth, to yourself and others.
When a person is an emotionally healthy adult, they can take no for an answer without having a meltdown or throwing a fit.
For help on learning to say “no”, check out my blog.
https://www.roannarhodes.com/post/20-ways-to-say-no
Acknowledge these two truths.
When you say “yes” to others, you are saying “no” to yourself.
A lack of planning on someone else’s part does constitute an emergency on your part.
Be honest with people.
willing to take you, but it doesn’t really work with my schedule. “It would be better for you to make other arrangements". This way, you are helping, but you are also honest.
It all comes down to this We get to decide what kind of people we want to be and how we want to show up in the world. I do not want people to people-please me because it is unauthentic, and it destroys intimacy. I do not wish to people- please others because people-pleasers are liars. And lying harms relationships. Healthy boundaries are set with a loving response; In short, it sounds like this “I love you, but no.” As adults, it is our job to manage
Our commitments
Our expectations
Our feelings
Our boundaries